{Surreal Moments}

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So much of this pregnancy has been just getting by from day to day. In the early days, I was so sick and tired all the time I would just pray for 4:30 pm so I could go home to sleep. When I started the second trimester I was so ready to feel better and it still didn't happen. But even through it all, I'm loving every minute of this pregnancy.

One year ago, Chris and I were looking at results from his surgery that had not improved. (Click here for the post) And yet this weekend we were standing at Babies R Us registering for the arrival of our little boy. I've had so many moments this pregnancy when I sit down and still can't believe we are here!

When did you have that surreal moment with your pregnancy?

{Lost}

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Lately, I've been feeling pretty lost as to what do I do now with this blog. Lots of questions have been floating around in my brain:

1. Does being pregnant make our journey any less hard?

2. Will writing about my pregnancy affend those still trying so hard to become pregnant?

3. Am I being forgotten about in this infertile world that supported me so strongly before?

4. Things changed so fast, one day we were an infertile couple, the next we are happily expecting but where does that leave us?

All of these things have been things I have battling with over the last few months. I think most of us who have been at this for years probably go through these similar thoughts after getting pregnant, right?

But my conclusion has to be that I hope that the community that supported us in our darkest hours can now support us through the happiest times too! Pregnancy has been everything I had hoped for, morning sickness and all. I will be posting more about what we have been up to the last few months shortly and maybe even a little maternity fashion (low budget style).

{A Recap of our journey...}

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April 2009 - Chris and I buy our first house and the first night we sleep in the house I wake up and tell him I'm ready for kids. Considering we had talked about kids like it was something we would do when we were 50, he was a little blown out of the water.

June 2009 - I convince Chris that going off of birth control and starting to chart was in our best interest. We weren't getting any younger ya know! He agrees.

Dec 2009 - Still nothing and BFNs were starting to get to me.

Jan 2010 - I had my annual and I took my charts. I saw the nurse practitioner instead of my regualar doctor. She suspects PCOS based on my charts and perscribes Progesterone based on no blood work. I take the Progesterone as instructed and my face blows up like a blimp. Stop Progesterone pills and swear never to see that nurse practitioner again.

Feb 2010 - Chris had his yearly and mentioned to his doctor that we were having a hard time getting pregnant. His doctor does a little inspection and finds a Varicocele. Does seman anlaysis and finds only 8 Mil sperm but everything else was normal. Sends Chris to a Urologist.

March 2010 - Chris has an appointment with the urologist and they recommend a Varicocelectomy. Chris wasn't convinced he wanted to have the surgery. So we talked about it alot.

April 2010 - We did one month of Clomid and H swore I would never be on that drug ever again. I was a little out of control hormonally on it. H says surgery is better than ever doing that drug again.

May 2010 - I had HSG done. All clear

June 2010 - Varicocelectomy Surgery. Lots of pain for H. 6 weeks recovery before he was back to normal duties. I still want to strangle the doctor that recommended this surgery.

November 2010 - My real dad dies. He was sick, we were never close but it still hit me hard

December 2010 - F/U S/A 2 mil sperm, all other numbers are abnormal too. Meet with RE. Tells us our best chances are IVF. Get quotes and start saving.

February 2011 - I'm reading a blog about a girl whose husband went to a IF Urologist and they got pg naturally. I look up IF Urologist in our area and schedule an appointment for H.

March 2011 - Chris goes to appointment and doctor recommends Vericocele Embolization. Gives H all kinds of numbers about how he has gotten people pregnant 1000s of times from this surgery. H is super stoked, I'm not. I think its another doctor lying to us.

April 2011 - Chris convinces me he has a really good feeling about this surgery and wants to do it. I agree and we have the surgery.

June 2011 - Happy Father's Day to Christopher!

{Father's Day 2011}

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The week before Father's Day I had been feeling very knocked over by exhaustion. I actually skipped a workout one night to lay on the couch and nap. Not like me at all. Even at my most tired I still always went to Zumba, it's my favorite class I take. Infertility does weird things to you because not for a minute did I suspect anything.

Chris was out of town until the next night. When he got home I was craving "bad" food, so he took me to a nice Itailian carb dinner. It was amazing. We had some wine, ate lots of carbs then rolled ourselves home for a movie on the couch.

At 7:05 am the next morning (yes, I looked at the time) I sat straight up in bed and said to myself "OMG I should test" That ended up like this:

It was still really early (10 days past ovulation for you charters) but I knew that a "line is a line" so I went to Giant Eagle and purchased $40 worth of pregnancy tests, all different brands. A few hours later I took a First Reponse Early Result:

And two days later I finally got a "pregnant" on the Clear Blue Easy digital:

I was shaking and crying. It seems so surreal. For two people who were told their only option was IVF we still have a hard time believing that that I'm pregnant. And then the Infertile in us still wants to know what my husband's sperm count is!?!?!?! Yes it will never go away but we recognize the gift we have been given and are so thankful for it.

So after 2 years, 2 Varicocele Surgeries and lots of tears we are so happy to say we have a baby coming in March.

{I'm Pregnant}

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Baby P coming in March 2012

{Resolve pairs with Bill Rancic}

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Via

Resolve and Bill Rancic are pairing up to raise awareness on Embryo Adoption. This is an option not a lot of couples know about. Embryo adoption most often occurs when couples who have attempted IVF and been successful, have extra embryo's left over. They will then donate them to another couple who are in need of good embryos. More information about embryo adoption can be found on mydestinationfamily.com.

Personally, I'm so excited to see Bill Rancic speaking out about Infertility. I am a dedicated viewer of his and his wife, Giuliana's, show. I think all infertile couple's can relate to them on one level or another.

Do you think embryo adoption is something you would consider?

{YourFertilityDeals.com}

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It's about time!

From the creators of Circle + Bloom, comes a groupon-like site for Fertility Challenged people:

YourFertilityDeals.com has deals on acupuncture, vitamins, fertility coaching and a ton more. Plus, they offer coupon codes for sites like Babyhopes.com, Circle + Bloom and Fertile Aid. If you haven't yet, go sign up to receive their emails. They also have a Facebook page so you can see the deals in your news feed.



{Months TTC versus Age}

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Fertility Friend has a great little section of their site where they analyze the data that is entered by their members. The most recent analyzation they did was Months TTC vs Age. I immediately clicked on the study. So many sites have tried to do this study but I knew Fertility Friend has access to real live data.  

It appears for a women 25-30, the average time to get pregnant is about 8 months.



 

What did you think about the study?

{More surgery....}

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I feel like it's been fooorrreevverr since I've updated about us. Here and Here are the last two posts if you missed it. 

Here we are two doctors later getting ready to face surgery again. When we went to see Dr. Sommers a couple months ago (read above) he found what he thought was a mass and was very worried about Christopher. $800 and a few tests later we found out that it was actually another very large Varicocele. This was a result of his first surgery. Sometimes during Varicocelectomy's the blood flow that they cut off, takes another path and that is exactly what happened to Christopher. This is also why we saw worse results after his Varicocelectomy. After finding out all this information Dr. Sommers referred us to Vascular doctor to get a second opinion on surgery to remove the mass (aka very large Varicocele).

Arriving at Dr. Thomas Davis's office, Chris and I felt very calm and relaxed. This is something that we had not felt since starting this crazy ride. Dr. Davis explained all the X-Rays and what he thought a Vericocele Embolization could do for us. He seems very confident that this can increase our numbers by at least 50%. What we liked about him is his confidence. All the other doctors have told us is "maybe" but Dr. Davis said he had seen this 1000 times.

So off to Riverside Hospital we go tomorrow morning. Please keep Christopher in your thoughts, I know we are both a little nervous about ANOTHER surgery and getting our hopes up.

Thank you all for the continued support and love through this whole process. We couldn't keep going without it.

{I got a second job}

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This was something that I've been thinking about for awhile and a few months ago was approached about applying to be a waitress at our local baseball field in the season ticket holder section. I was approached by fellow Infertile who knew we were saving for IVF. I love how we all stick together!!

So there it is, I have a second job. I'll be working two days a week waitressing at the field. I'm hoping that by the end of the summer we will have the rest of the $5,000 we need to pay for two IVF cycles.

Wish me luck and lots of tips!!

{Stuck in the middle with you}

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Lately, I've been feeling stuck in the middle of Infertilityland.

For the last few months I did a lot of avoiding of my feelings of Infertility. I just didn't want to talk baby at all. I ran across this chart: The Cycle of Grief and couldn't believe how much it described what I've been going through lately.

Since we are saving for IVF but yet still exploring other options to see if we can naturally conceive. It feels like we're stuck. Nothing is moving forward. We're not exploring treatment. We're just kinda here.

In this crazy blog world, I've always found my place with all the TTC Girls then I moved on to the Infertility Girls but now where do I fit in? Ok, yeah we're TTC and Infertile but I can't relate to anything any of the blogs I follow are going through right now. I can't be the only infertile girl saving for treatment, right?

{National Infertility Week, April 24-30}

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RESOLVE, The National Infertility Association, is holding a challange for the week of awareness: Bust a Fertility Myth.

You can be an infertile, friend, family or just love to speak out about Infertility to participate.

During the week of April 24th to April 30th.

Choose one “Infertility Myth to Bust” or make one of your own.

Go back to your blog and explore that “myth” in a post. Expand on the idea, tell a story, write poetry, say it with photographs–any way you want to explore that “infertility myth.” Posts can go up any time from April 24 to April 30. Please start your post by placing your chosen “infertility myth” at the top of the post.

Add a link at the bottom of your post to this url giving a basic understanding of infertility: http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 and this url giving the background of National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW): http://www.resolve.org/takecharge

Go to RESOLVE's website and fill out the survey. It will then appear as part of this challenge and all blogs on the list will be considered for RESOLVE’s Hope Award for Best Blog presented at the 2011 Night of Hope. RESOLVE will also be featuring a link to the blog on http://www.resolve.org/.

They will also be compaigning on Facebook and Twitter:

1. Tweet about your "Bust a Myth" blog submissions using #Bustamyth.

2. Update your Facebook profile with the link http://www.resolve.org/bustamyth to promote your blog to your friends and family.

Let's all rally together the week of April 24 and support a great cause! I know this is a while off so I will be sending out a reminder so everyone can get their posts together.

{Mass Normal, Prolactin Still High}

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We got VERY good news yesterday....Chris's CT was normal. We are waiting for a call back from the doctor for our next steps!!

Thank you so much for the kind words and support for Chris and I.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

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Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother."

~Author Unknown



{Mass found, Prolactin High, Testosterone Normal}

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We got the results of all of Chris's tests last Thursday but it did not give us the answers we were looking for:

Mass found, Prolactin High, Testosterone Normal

"Mass, um, I'm sorry you said Mass" is exactly what I was thinking. Last weekend was rough. I was randomly bursting into tears but I'm getting better as the days go on.

We have a Cat Scan on Monday at 7:15 am. I'll update when we know what is going on.

Infertility - IVF Odds of Success

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I was reading this article the other day and thought it was a good article about IVF. It seems the success rates of a live birth are holding steady but are still giving many couples the dream of being parents, 41.3% (for women under 35) to be exact.  

It seems several years ago, SART (Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology) started encouraging doctors and patients to limit embryo transfers to one in healthy, younger women. It seems that the overall number of embryos transfers from 2003 to today has dropped from 2.6 to 2.0. For us being out of pocket, I would rather transfer two embryos and hope that having twins is the worse thing we have to worry about.

What did you think about the article? Also, don't forget to check out Spotlight On Infertility to see real faces of Infertility.

ref: http://www.latimes.com/health/boostershots/la-heb-ivf-20110307,0,7693033.story

New Urologist

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Yes, another Urologist!

About a month ago, I was reading this blog and she had just found out she was pregnant (naturally). I've followed this blog for a while and knew that they had been having problems for years. I also remembered that the last time I had checked in her husband had zero sperm, so I was very anxious to hear how they finally conceived on their own. After reading through the last couple {months} of posts, I started to think she was copying our story there were so many similarities.

First similarity was that her husband had low testosterone and was put on testosterone replacement therapy. This was something we {Chris and I} never really talked about here but he was on testosterone injections for most of last year. After 6 months of testosterone injections we found out that all this does is stop the production of sperm.

Second, low sperm count after testosterone replacement therapy.

Third, low LH.

I couldn't take anymore. I had to know how they got pregnant on their own. Finally, there it was in plain sight: Infertility Urologist. Who knew they existed? We didn't and no one even told us about seeing one.

I called our Reproductive Endocronologists office and asked for a referral. They sent us to Dr. William J. Sommers. I called and made an appointment for March 8, 2011. He ordered more blood tests and more ultrasounds for Christopher but we should hear back in two weeks with the results.

With the results we could have three paths according to Dr. Sommers:

1. Drug Therapy to try and naturally increase Chris's testosterone which in turn would increase his sperm count

2. Another procedure for Chris. This one being outpatient though.

3. IVF

Once we get all the information from the tests ordered we will make our decision but we are continuing to save for IVF. The savings plan is going really well and I will update you soon.  

Will the Focus Touch change Infertility Treatment?

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I recently read an article about a product called the Focus Touch. It's an $80 intracervical insemination device that you can buy over the counter. The inventor: Steve Bollinger (pictured above) is trying to bridge the gap between intercourse and IVF.

I have to admit when I first started reading I was very intrigued. The article states that intracervical injection is not as widely used as it was because it doesn't reduce the risk of sexually transmitted diseases like intrauterine injection does. Plus the success rate for an intracervical injection is about 10 to 15 percent compared to IVF which is about 15 to 25 percent. The biggest reason that Bollinger states he wanted to invent this device is that most Infertility Treatments are so impersonal. 

I know what your thinking..how does this thing work? Bollinger says about the Focus Touch: 

 "A small cap sits at the tip of a specially designed condom. During intercourse, the cap collects the semen and then is removed and fitted onto the end of the Focus Touch. The tube is then inserted into the vaginal tract until it rests against the cervix, placing the semen in close proximity to the woman's cervical entrance. The cap can stay inside the woman's body for three to five hours before being pulled out by a string, much like a tampon."

My opinion: This is an "At Home IUI" (intrauterine injection) so yes $80 is cheaper but there are few things that are missing from this article. First, 90% of women do not keep track of their cycles and that would be a must with the Focus Factor. Second, this "At Home IUI" doesn't require you to do a seman analysis before using the product. What if there are male infertility problems that have not been brought out by testing? Overall though, I'm very interested in this product. I love what Bollinger is trying to do...bring the "coldness" out of making a baby for those of us who aren't luky to conceive babies naturally. Do you think he's looking for Beta Testers?

So tell me your thoughts? What do you think of the Focus Touch? Would you use it?

Requesting Infertility Insurance

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I recently read an article that said Infertility Insurance will cost a company $1.71 extra per month. This was sited in a study conducted by an insurance company. So why is this not covered in the company I work at? Or all companies?

I wanted to know!

Then it clicked, why not ask? If I approach this correctly this could be a great thing for many people who work at the company I do. I wrote up a nice, quick email to my Human Resources department with my question:

"My husband and I have recently run into our current health benefits not covering Infertility. Is there a specific reason this is not in our insurance coverage? Also Is there a way that we can request that this be part of our benefits package for 2012? Or can this be offered as an extra option for us to pay a higher premium for?

Per this article (http://www.fertilitycommunity.com/fertility/infertility-insurance-costs-utilization.html),  IVF out of pocket will cost us $14,500 per cycle, with insurance it would be close to half the cost to us and this company. After lots of reading on the internet it appears that adding infertility insurance to most premiums should only cost $1 per month and can cut down on un-needed surgeries that are covered by insurance.

Thank you for your time, Christine"

Some states do have laws about insurance coverage for Infertility. If you would like to check out yours, click here. In Ohio, testing for Infertility is required to be covered but not IUI or IVF.

After a month I finally received an email back from our Human Resources department:

"I would be happy to forward your request on to the Benefits Team that makes these decisions and see if they would consider this when reviewing the benefits plan for 2012"

Not the worst answer I could have received but I still expected much more. I'm hoping that *maybe* this just wasn't something that was looked into because no one had ever requested it before. I do know that this is something your insurance company has to add on to their package.

I'm not holding my breathe or our plans to move forward with IVF on this maybe but it is promising. If you do not have Infertility Insurance, have you asked your company why it's not covered?

**Resolve's website has a great sample letter to send to your employer**

Book Review: When Nature's Not Enough

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When Nature's Not Enough

Did you know "In Vitro" in Itialian mean "In Glass" because IVF babies used to be conceived in glass test tubes this is how IVF got it's name. Now babies are actually conceived in plastic petridishes. Pretty interesting fact, huh?

When were first saw the Reproductive Endocrinologist, Dr. Maseellal, I had a thirst for knowledge of IVF but as I started reading I started scaring myself. When Nature's Not Enough was the first book I picked up that I could not put down. It was a book that followed couple's through their journey to a child. Whether that be adoption or IVF. I'm not a sit down a read a whole book in day girl but did find myself coming back to this book for comfort a lot. It was so nice to read about couple's who were facing the same issues as we were facing.

If you are looking for a book about couples and not a bunch of facts about IVF this would be one of my first recommendations to you.